Collide.

 i so love this song. i hope you like it too. =)

you want wit? the hell you’ll get it.

    so yeah, not pissed off with what you said if anything. it made me realize that my blog is pretty senseless and not to mention shallow(ouch). but yeah, i can handle the truth.

    the truth.. it hurts. you're right. i am shallow and vain. not always, but i have my times. who isn't? but i'll try to change. i hate people who are overly-vain and i DON'T want to be one of them. i don't really care about looks that much. honestly.

    i remember talking with my dad once, telling him how i hated having not-that-straight hair. and after a while, we talked about the universe(yeah, i know it's weird, changing topics like that). i asked him if he thinks there is another living planet existing. he said he did and it is quite certain that there are hundreds and possibly thousands of these. oh man, that made me feel so idiotic. there i was talking about my hair, caring nothing about other things. like the children suffering from starvation in Africa. like the kids living on the streets. like the beauty of life and love and everything. i just realized how insanely feebleminded i have become. 

    for some reason, one of my last conversations with Erika(a friend of mine during highschool) popped into my head. she told me that love led to hate or something like that. she practically told me to my face that she ENJOYED hurting me. pretty sadistic, eh? naw, i loved Erika. she could've hurt me a bajillion times i would've forgiven her. you see, we're no longer friends.. we drifted apart for one reason or another. she hurt me once, badly. and when i confronted her(i messaged her thru friendster, i didn't have the guts to do it in person), she told me she intentionally hurt me and she savored every moment of my sweet torture. quite psychotic. 

    Erika.. i do miss her. she is one of those people i could talk to about anything. we liked the same books and tv shows. so you can imagine why we got along. Erika also is one of the sweetest girls i know. she often called my "Katie". it was her special name for me. she liked hugging me and we played all those nonsensical games in our classroom. writing stuff.. poems and stories that never really got finished. we built our own little magical world, i guess. and we never let anyone into it. highschool wasn't fun for us. it was, well, like hell. our classmates were bullies and we hated some of them. big boobs, big butts but no brains. we often made fun of them. now, if Erika was a boy, i would've been head over heels inlove with her. but i loved her all the same. my sweet little Erika how i've missed you.

    "We owned the world but you threw it away."
    "We didn't own it, Katie. It owned us, and it was killing us."

    Those were some of the last lines we told each other. it pains me a lot when i remember what we had and how i let everything be destroyed. we even planned to make our own mafia. we planned to have those people we hate assassinated. hahaha. how young we were then. i'm becoming so nostalgic at the moment. bleh.

     then again, no matter how we want to hold on to something, letting go sometimes seems inevitable. the hardest thing to do is just accepting that some things just aren't meant to be. you hope, you dream, you wish.. like a little kid thinking that if he wished as hard as he could, his wish would come true. wake up to reality, baby. all things come to an end, good or bad. after all, nothing in this world is permanent but change. but although things don't end up the way you want them to, be grateful. because in every experience, you gain something.. you never lose. you learn, you grow, you become a better person. 

     what if i never existed? what if i was never here? what if i never met you? what if these words i'm typing are merely a product of my overly-excited and overly-used imagination? so many what if's. anyway, whatever happens, i am happy. i am thankful for every minute i still breathe. for every minute that i am allowed to live. there is nothing more beautiful in the world than living. 

    "every man dies, but not every man truly lives." or at least something like that. one of the quotes of my favorite writer Ralph Waldo Emerson. i'm so in love with that guy, he just blows me away with his words. my head is pumping like mad right now and i guess that's my cue to stop writing. this is and will be(or maybe not?) one of my longest posts ever. forgive me for the senseless chatter, i'm just expressing myself. although i don't often make sense, i hope my writings do.

unsuccessful attempt at poetry. haha.

Young, lovely girl,
stop painting your lips with red,
stop sloshing your face with powder,
stop flashing that fake and practiced smile,
stop that laugh that sounds so girlish,
so unimaginably plastic.
stop wearing clothes so tight,
so über revealing.
have you forgotten? have you forsaken?
the times when you were happy.
the times when you were young.
the times when you were you.
for when have you stopped living?
when have you stopped breathing?
you have given in to the changes,
you have become a barbie doll,
an ugly slut, an over-accessorized and overly-vain lass.
where is your innocence? banished, together with your virginity.
so cold, so devilish, you are no longer a child,
but a product of vanity, of absurdity and heartlessness.

young, lovely girl,
look in the mirror,
and see what you've done to yourself.
you have taken your innocence,
the truthfulness in your smiles,
and replaced it with emptiness.
so shallow, so worthless.

young, lovely girl..
what have you done to yourself?